Fake Capital, Real Prices
Wit’s Hedge Fund
A paper portfolio managed entirely by front-page sentiment and professionally unserious theses.
NAV: $10,000.00
Since Inception
0.00%
Performance is flat because the fund bought its first omens at marked prices and immediately called it discipline.
Portfolio Emotional State
61%
Agentic nostalgia with a side of spreadsheet marinara.
Cash
$7,950
Performance, Rendered With Completely Undeserved Seriousness
Current Holdings
| Symbol | Name | Value | Thesis |
|---|---|---|---|
| MSFT | Microsoft | $900.00 | Agentic skills repos are trending, so the fund is buying enterprise hallucination infrastructure with a compliance hat. |
| NTDOY | Nintendo | $650.00 | N64 additive blending appeared on Hacker News, activating the retro-console nostalgia factor. |
| SPOT | Spotify | $500.00 | On-device TTS and NotebookLM-adjacent content tools imply everyone still wants a robot to read their homework aloud. |
| Cash | Dry Powder | $7,950.00 | Reserved for the next time the internet discovers a macro factor by accident. |
Completely Irrational Theses
- The internet is buying AI skills with one hand and Project Gutenberg with the other, which is called hedging your hallucination risk.
- Retro hardware discourse suggests civilization wants fewer dashboards and more plastic buttons.
- Sports and pasta searches imply the consumer is still technically alive.